Zack and Jay

Zack and Jay

Chapter 15

Author: Kevin

Authors note: Thanks for your patients and continued support as I get my life back on track. Thanks for all your emails and chats, I appreciate them all.

Kevin

"Diane?" I say to her.

"Hi! It's Zack right?" She asks.

"Yes," I say. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good I guess," she says.

She doesn't sound very convincing I think to myself, "What's the matter?" I ask.

"I don't want to bother you with my problems," she says.

Jay steps up with Shawn and I introduce them, "Diane, I would like you to meet my husband Jay and our son Shawn." Jay lightly shakes her hand and they say that it is nice to meet each other. She plays with Shawn for a minute or two and then turns back to me.

"I saw what happened to you guys on the news. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I was actually looking for you around school and had gone to the administration building but they wouldn't tell me where you lived," she says.

"Sorry about that that's Jay's fault. He is working with the school's counselors to help guys come to terms with their sexuality. It is school policy that the student body in general not be given our home address and telephone number. It's just a privacy thing. Do you want to come in and talk?" I ask her.

"May I?" she asks shyly.

"Of course you can," Jay says as he turns and leads the way to the front door.

Once inside I take her coat and place it on a hook in the entry way. "Can I get you anything to drink?" I ask her.

"Don't go out of your way for me," she says. "You've already done more for me than most people ever have. And I never got the chance to thank you for what you did that night. Thank you," she says. She comes to me and pulls me into a warm hug.

"You're welcome. But I have said this numerous times. I only did what I thought was right," I tell her.

Jay says, "I think I'm going to make some cocoa. Do you two want some?"

"I'd love some," Diane says.

"Yeah, I would too," I tell him.

He disappears into the kitchen as I show Diane into the living room. She looks around before taking a seat on the couch. "You're home is beautiful," she says.

"Thank you. This is only our second day living here." I tell her.

"What? It looks like you two could have been living here for years. It feels so warm and inviting. I can almost feel the love in this house," she says looking around the room again.

"I know. That is one of the reasons we fell in love with it. It is stronger now with our furniture in it, but you could even feel it when the house was empty," I explain to her.

"I hope I can find a house that feels like this someday," she says. "I can't get over the feelings of warmth, love, and welcome. I know there are more but I just can't put my finger on them right now," she says.

"Yeah, I know. So what's the matter, Diane?" I ask her.

Just as she is about to tell me Jay walks in from the kitchen carrying a tray of mugs with bowls of tiny marshmallows, peppermints, cinnamon sticks, small chocolate mints and a can of whipped cream. "I wasn't sure what you would want in yours so I brought a little bit of everything I could think of," he says, laughing a little.

He holds the tray for Diane as she takes a mug and puts some marshmallows in it. I take mine and a cinnamon stick and some whip cream and Jay adds some peppermints and whipped cream to his. He takes a spot next to me on the couch and Shawn crawls up and stands between us.

Diane then begins talking, "As you know John was arrested and charged with domestic violence that night last year. He was let go with no more than a slap on the wrist because it was his first offence. I distanced myself from him for all of last year. Until I got home this past summer, I hadn't even talked to him.

"He stopped over one night just after I got home. He said he was sorry for what he did and it would never happen again. We talked most of the night and over the next few weeks we started seeing each other again. Everything was going good... Until...

"Just before I was to leave to come back to school, we got into a huge fight. He didn't want me to return. He wanted me to transfer to a school closer to home. I wouldn't. I told him all my friends were here, my life is here.

"He beat the shit out of me! I spent three days in the hospital because of it. He broke my nose and sprained my shoulder by twisting my arm around behind my back, and he gave me a concussion. He was charged with domestic violence again and is sitting in jail for five years."

"Oh my God, I'm sorry you had to go through that." I tell her.

Jay, always the counselor, says, "Me too. Do you need to talk about it with someone?"

"No, I'm ok with it. I have been seeing Phil since I got back to school. He is a great guy," she says.

"Yeah he is," Jay and I say together.

"Well, shortly after I got back to school I was feeling sick so I went to the school's nurse and she referred me to a doctor. He ran a few tests and discovered I am pregnant. After seeing your story on the news and now seeing you two together and how much you both love Shawn I was wondering..." She stops, looking down at her shoes and says no more.

"Wondering what?" Jay asks.

After a few more moments of silence she continues, "I'm not ready to be a mother. And abortion is out of the question for me. That leaves me one option, adoption. Would you two consider adopting my baby?" She asks so softly we almost don't hear her.

Jay and I look at each other questioningly; almost asking each other if we had heard her correctly. "Did you just ask us if we would adopt your baby?" Jay asks.

"Yes," she says loader and more convincing. "After what Zack did for me last year, and the way he protected you and Shawn in that dinner. And the way I see you two interact with Shawn here. I can tell you are loving parents. And that is what this baby needs, two loving parents. I'm not sure I could love it the way it needs to be loved, because of the way its father treated me. I know how that sounds, but it is how I feel. I can't help that. I can't be its mother.

"I know I have dumped a lot on you in the last few minutes and you probably want to take some time to think about this and talk about it between yourselves. I will go and let you guys talk. When you have decided here's my number," she says, handing me a piece of paper with a phone number written on it.

She gets up to leave and Jay stops her. "Diane, Zack and I are used to making quick decisions about our lives. It only took us about ten minutes to decide we would adopt Shawn and raise him as our own son. We spent maybe a half hour looking at this house before we bought it. I can give you my answer now." He turns and looks at me, I nod my head. "If this is what you really want to do, yes, we will adopt your baby."

"It is what I want to do and I can't think of any better parents I would want to raise my child. And to grow up in this home, with the way it feels, he or she will be much better off than I could have ever made him or her.

"I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and they are doing an ultrasound. Do you guys want to go?" She asks.

"We'd love to be involved in the pregnancy if you will allow it," I tell her.

"I'd love to have you both involved in it, when you can be there. I hear it is an awesome experience for a `father' to be able to see his child on the screen during an ultrasound, and I would like you guys to go to my regular doctor's appointments too. To be able to see the progress I am making; ask any questions you may have; hear the baby's heart beat. I know you guys weren't there when Shawn was being born but you will be this time, both of you," Diane tells us.

"Where's your doctor located?" Jay asks.

"She has an office in Mary Corrigan Connors Center for Women's Health at Brigham and Women's Hospital." Diane tells us.

"That's one of Harvard's teaching hospitals isn't it?" I ask.

"Yes it is. That is one of the reasons I picked my doctor. I want to be able to help someone learn to be a doctor and it is a great hospital. Women come from all over Massachusetts to have their babies there," Diane says.

"What time is your appointment?" I ask.

"Ten o'clock." Diane says.

"We'll be there," Jay says. "I was just going to start dinner, do you want to stay and eat with us? Get caught up with Zack?"

"I don't want to be a bother," Diane says.

"It is no bother, and besides we are going to be seeing you half naked very soon. We should at the very least get to know each other better," I tell her.

She agrees to stay and we all head into the kitchen where Jay and I make dinner. Diane sits on a stool at the counter and plays with Shawn as we cook. When everything is done Jay and I take it into the dining room and we sit down and enjoy the food and each other's company.

Over dinner Diane tells us about herself and her family. Her parents are disappointed that she got pregnant so young but are happy that she has made the choice to give the baby up for adoption. They too are against abortion and this decision is the best one for everyone involved, especially the baby. Diane comes from a very large family; she has three brothers and two sisters.

She believes her youngest brother is gay but he hasn't come out yet. Jay offers his help if she thinks her brother would need it. She says she doesn't know but will call him later and talk to him to see if talking to someone outside the family will help him.

We continue talking over the meal and around seven thirty, after the dishes are done, Diane heads back to her apartment. Jay and I talk about what had transpired while she was there. We have trouble accepting what is happening, but we are excited at the same time.

After talking for a while, we get Shawn ready for bed and get him down for the night. After watching a little TV Jay and I head to bed too.

I'm just about asleep when I feel Jay slowly slide his hand up my thigh and cup my balls. I moan uncontrollably as he slides down and he sucks on the sensual spot on the inside of my knee again. The feelings are even more intense this time and I am instantly hard. He sucks on the spot for what seems like hours to me. I feel like I could cum at any moment. I have to pull him away before he actually makes that happen.

He slides back up the bed and lies next to me. I roll on my side and kiss him very passionately. After a few minutes I move down and take his cock into my mouth. I deep throat him until my lips are crushed into his short pubes. He gasps as I slowly withdraw his cock from my throat. I suck and lick around the head of his dick. I suck on the sensitive underside of his cock then swirl my tongue around its head. He almost immediately starts leaking sweet tasting pre-cum. I quickly lick it up and deep throat him again. He moans loudly.

I continue blowing him for a few minutes then lift his legs and rim him. I push my tongue as far into his ass as I can. Jay releases a very guttural groan letting me know he likes what I am doing to him. After tongue fucking him for a few minutes he almost groans, "Fuck me. Please!"

I release his legs and he rolls to the side of the bed to get the bottle of lube from the bedside table. He hands it to me and I lube myself and his asshole. He gets on his hands and knees and gives me his ass to make love to him doggy style. I line my cock up and start to slowly slide it home. When I am about a third of the way in Jay pushes back against me and forces my cock into his ass as deep as it will go.

I slowly make love to him as he moans deeply with every thrust I make into him. After about fifteen minutes I pull out and he rolls on his back. I get between his legs and suck on his cock again. He is leaking a steady stream of pre-cum, sometimes I can't believe the amount he leaks. It's like someone left a faucet running with a very fine stream of water coming out. It's almost the size of a pencil lead; just enough to keep it a stream instead of dripping.

I suck him deep into my throat and purr around his dick. He moans loudly, and as I slowly move back to the head of his cock, I swirl my tongue around the tip and he moans again. I lick my way down his dick and then suck on his balls one at a time. He reaches down and places his hand gently on the back of head. He guides me back to his cock. He moves my head up and down the shaft of his leaking dick, using my mouth to satisfy his desires. He moves his hand to the side of my head and grabs it between his hands. He fucks my mouth, using his hands to move my head up and down his cock. He continues to drive my mouth further and further down. He pushes down hard and thrusts with his hips trying to drive his cock even further down my throat. He holds me there a little too long and I have to pull away from him.

"I'm sorry!" He says immediately. "It just felt so good."

He pulls me up to him and holds me for a minute. He then repositions himself; so he can lean over me and he blows me for a while. He deep throats me without gagging and holds me in his throat as long as he can. He slowly pulls off my cock and licks deep into the slit in my cock. I moan uncontrollably has he deep throats me again and purrs around my cock. I have trouble believing sometimes how much he has improved in giving head with the way he used to gag on my cock when he first tried sucking me.

After what seems like hours to me, he repositions himself so he can make love to me. He lubes both of us up and slowly and gently slides his huge member into me. I wrap my legs around his waist as he leans over me to make out with me as he makes love to me. I reach up and grab my ankles and pull my legs up more, giving him better access to my hot hole. I can feel his cock growing steadily with each inward thrust he makes. After about fifteen minutes he starts moaning loudly with each thrust and he tries to drive his cock deeper and deeper into me. I know he is getting close and won't be able to last much longer.

He makes an attempt to edge himself but waits to long. He drives his cock into me as deep as it will go and lets out a loud guttural moan, and collapses on top of me as his orgasm steals through his body. I feel every spasm of his cock as his balls empties into me. It almost feels like I can feel his `juice' slowly spread as he continues to fill me up with it.

After a few minutes he pulls out of me and I lower my legs. I'm expecting him to flop down on the bed next to me, but he doesn't. He climbs on top of me and sits on my cock burying it deep in his ass on one swift motion. I gasp for breath and then let out a loud moan from the unexpected pleasure of having my dick forced back into his tight hole. He rides me like a horse as I lift my pelvis and meet his downward thrusts with my upwards ones. Our timing is perfect and I cum in no time at all. I shoot what feels like gallons. I can actually feel it running out of him down my cock and over my balls quickly forming a puddle on the bed.

After I recover and Jay moves to lay on the bed next to me I say to him, "You really have to stop sucking on that spot on my knee. I'm not sure how long I can keep cuming like that. A couple nights in a row and I might be empty for quite a while."

"I doubt that, but I can tell from the way you moan and squirm when I do you really like it," he says.

"I do. But, oh my God, the way I cum after you do. Shit I am laying in a pool of my own cum. If you leaked that much I don't even want to know how much is still in you. I didn't know someone's balls could hold that much cum," I tell him.

"Neither did I, but you have to admit you like it and I know you do," he says.

"Yeah, but you better hope I never find a spot on you like that, I will drive you crazy!" I tell him as I pull him into me and kiss him good night. He lays his head on my chest and we drift off to sleep together, holding each other.

In the morning we get up and make breakfast together. Just before it is done I hear Shawn yell for `Dada' and I go and get him. He smiles as soon as I enter his room. "Morning little man," I tell him as I walk up to his crib and pick him up. As usual he snuggles into my chest and gives me a hug. I carry him down stairs and as soon as he sees Jay he screams at him.

"Good morning Shawn," Jay says to him. "Boy, you could give someone a chance to say something. I don't need to speak to you the second I see you. And I don't need you yelling at me like that again."

Hurt by Jay's tone of voice Shawn turns and buries his face into my chest.

"It's alright Shawn, Daddy wasn't yelling at you. He was just trying to tell you not to scream like that. Ok, little man? Jay, you hurt his feelings," I say.

"Well he needs to learn that screaming like that is wrong, and he will get over his hurt feelings. Bring him here. Let me see him," he says.

I walk over to Jay as he is finishing up making breakfast. Shawn ignores him for a few minutes, but eventually turns and looks at him.

"I'm sorry little man. Do you forgive me?" Jays asks him.

Shawn looks at him for a minute as if he is thinking about it then finally smiles at him and holds his hands out to him. Jay takes him and they hug each other. All is forgotten and forgiven quickly. Shawn is giggling up a storm as Jay tickles him.

Jay takes him into the dining room as I remove breakfast from the stove and make plates for both of us. I make a bowl of baby cereal for Shawn and pour Jay and me glasses of orange juice. I get a tray and put our breakfast on it and take it into the dining room. While eating we discuss what Diane talked about yesterday.

Around quarter after nine we all get ready to go to Diane's doctor's appointment. We meet Diane just as she is going into the building. We walk to her doctor's office together and chat. Diane signs in while Jay, Shawn, and I find seats in a quiet corner. We wait for Diane to be called in for her appointment. About 20 minutes later a nurse calls Diane's name and we all get up. The nurse stops us and says only the father can come back with her.

"They are the baby's fathers." Diane says. The nurse looks at Diane and then at us dumbfounded. "Zack and Jay will be adopting the baby when it is born," Diane explains to her.

"Oh!" The nurse says and allows us to follow her to the examination room where the ultrasound will be performed. I can tell just from her reaction she doesn't agree with Diane's choice of parents for her baby. But luckily for her she doesn't say anything.

She tells Diane to have a seat on the exam table and also says the technician will be right in. After a few minutes the technician comes in to perform the ultrasound. She notices Jay and me standing off to the side and smiles at us and tells us that we can come closer so we can have a better view. Jay and I move closer and the tech turns the computer screen a little to give as a better view.

She has Diane undo and lower her pants slightly and raise her shirt. She applies some form of clear gel to Diane's lower abdomen and takes one of the probes and uses it to smear the gel around. Once she locates the baby she moves closer to the screen and starts pushing buttons on the computer. After she takes a few measurements she stands back slightly so we can all see again. She points out different internal organs as she measures them and takes pictures of each one.

After a few minutes she pushes a button and we can hear the baby's heartbeat. I can't believe how fast it sounds. She says it is beating about two hundred beats a minute. Over the course of the pregnancy it will slow to about one hundred and twenty-five beats just before birth. She makes a few adjustments to the machine and we can now see what the baby looks like. We can see its face, arms, and legs. "Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" She asks.

"I didn't think you could tell this early," Jay says. "When my sister-in-law was pregnant with Shawn here, they couldn't tell until about six months."

"That was true with the old style of ultrasound. But with these new machines we can see more clearly what everything looks like as I am sure you can tell. We can sex a baby a lot earlier now. Do you want to know?" She asks again.

Jay and I just look at each other not sure how to respond. Finally Diane breaks the silence, "It's your baby. It's up to you two." She says to both of us.

Jay and I both say yes at the same time.

"Congratulations! You are having a son," she says to Diane.

"I may be giving birth to him but he will be their son," Diane tells her.

"Well then, congratulations to you two. As a lesbian mother I know how hard raising a family in a gay relationship can be. You guys will need each other's support to make a happy family together," she says.

"Well we have had a few problems already but together we have managed to work through them," Jay tells her.

"Wait a minute. You two look familiar to me. You aren't the guys I saw on the news this fall are you? The ones that were attacked in that diner in Pennsylvania, were accused of kidnapping your own son, and then were beaten up by the Pennsylvania State Police are you?" She asks.

Hesitantly I respond, "Yeah, we are."

"Oh my God; my girlfriend and I saw your story on the news and felt so horrible about what happened. We saw some of the court proceedings on TV and heard the outcomes. We were so grateful everything worked out for you. I just want to say I am sorry you guys had to go through that," she tells us.

"Thank you," Jay says. Then, trying to change the subject he adds, "So how does the baby look?"

"Everything looks normal but I really can't say that. The doctor will be right in to review the ultrasound and answer any questions you may have," she says as she turns to leave the room.

Not two minutes later a short stocky female enters the room wearing a long white lab coat. She introduces herself to Jay and me as Dr. Karen Smith. She quickly goes over the results of the ultrasound and then asks if we have any questions. Apparently someone has already informed her of Diane's decision to put the baby up for adoption and that Jay and I will be adopting him, because she never even questions us when we both ask a few questions.

She informs us the pregnancy is going normally and the baby looks healthy and there are no apparent signs of problems. She tells Diane that she wants to see her again in another month. She explains to us that for the first six months she sees her patients once a month. Then every two week for two months, then once a week until delivery. That way she can monitor the baby's development and heart rate and also measure the size of Diane's uterus by which they can calculate how much the baby is growing from visit to visit.

After a few more minutes she takes one last look at the baby using the ultrasound machine, then wipes Diane up and helps her sit up. She prints out a few pictures of the baby and gives them to Jay and me. Then she excuses herself from the room and closes the door on her way out. Diane pulls up her pants and redoes them as she gets down off the table. She fixes her shirt and we head back out the reception desk so Diane can schedule her next appointment. She has the receptionist make out an appointment reminder card for Jay and me and hands it to me. I put it in my pocket and we leave.

We tell Diane goodbye outside the building and head towards the car. On the way Jay says, "I have an idea on how to tell our parents about this."

"How?" I ask.

"We pick one of these pictures of the baby and make up Christmas cards using it. Telling them Merry Christmas Grandma and Grandpa," he says.

"I like that idea. I can do it on my computer but we will need card stock paper. We should be able to get some at Office Max," I tell him.

"I think it would be nice if we invite them here for Christmas and tell them at the same time. That way there are no hurt feelings that someone found out before someone else. We will probably have to pay for my parent's plane ticket though," Jay says.

"That's fine and it will be great that we are all together for Shawn's first Christmas. But if your parents are coming we will have to get more Christmas decorations. We don't have anything that symbolizes the real meaning of Christmas. I think we need to get a lighted nativity for the front yard and maybe a small fancy one for the house. I noticed a nice one at Wal-mart that should look great in the living room, and I think we can find one that will look good in the front yard. It may take a little looking but it shouldn't be that hard," I tell him.

"Ok, well there is an Office Max close to Wal-mart we can stop at both on the way home. And if we can't find a nativity for the front yard there, I noticed a holiday store in the same area. They have a lot more Christmas decorations than Wal-Mart does. They should have one that will look great." Jay tells me.

We get Shawn into his car seat and drive over to Office Max. Jay stays in the car with Shawn as I run in and get the card stock. We then stop at Wal-mart and all go in and pick out a very nice nativity set that has all the pieces including animals. We will have to build the stable but that shouldn't be too hard. We also get some more decorations for the house; garland to wrap around the banister, mistletoe, a large wreath for the front door and a hanger to hang it on; and a few odds in ends just to make everything look more festive.

We then stop at the holiday store and look around. We don't see any nativities for the front yard so Jay asks an employee if they have any. He takes us over to a counter and shows a book where they can order them from a local distributor. The clerk tells us that they have most in stock and can either be delivered to the store or our home usually the next day. We take a few minutes looking at the book and decide on a relatively expensive one.

I really don't like spending that much money on decorations but it is well worth it and with proper care it should last us a very long time. We pay for it and have it delivered to the house. The clerk calls the distributor and sets it up to be delivered the following morning.

We then go home and each of us calls our respective parents. My parents immediately agree to drive over and spend a week with us. Jay has a little trouble getting his parents to come but when he tells them we will pay for their tickets and they will be staying with us, they finally agree. I think what finally made them agree was that Jay had to tell them that if they didn't come they would miss Shawn's first Christmas.

After lunch we spend the afternoon putting up the rest of the decorations we had bought and then sit at the dining room table putting the stable together. It is a little more time consuming than either of us thought. The pieces are precut from doweling, but we have to shave them down a little to make them look like they are hand hewn logs. After we are done doing that we have to measure and mark the pieces were they will be joined together. Using the included string, we tie the pieces together and then glue the knots so they don't come undone. Then glue the tiny shake shingles in place.

After a few hours of working together it is finally done. We decide to move the coffee table from in front of the couch to in front of the TV and put the stable on it. We put the animal figurines and the manger in it, and put tiny sheaves of what looks like hay in the loft. We break open a couple and spread them around the stable to make it look like the animals have something to eat. We also put one of the shepherds just outside making it look like he is watching over the animals.

After we are done we make dinner and eat in the living room for a change. We watch some TV and talk about the baby. I think Jay has ready fallen in love with it just from seeing the ultrasound. The next time we will have to take a VHS tape so we can have a copy of it.

After doing the dishes we take Shawn upstairs and give him a bath together and then get him ready for bed. We head back downstairs and make him a bottle and Jay gives it to him sitting on the couch while I scan the ultrasound pictures into my computer and make the cards for our parents.

I write the greeting and the inside of the card myself, and choose a nice Christmas scene for the front. The picture of the baby will be on the inside on the left. When it is done I ask Jay what he thinks. He gets up off the couch and comes over to my computer and looks at each page of the card. He says it's perfect and that he loves it. So I print out two of them. With the card stock paper the printer goes over it a couple of times so the ink is imbedded in the paper. After what seems like an hour they are finally done and I show them to Jay. They actually turned out really nice and once folded they almost look like they are store bought.

We take Shawn upstairs and tuck him in after both of us give him a kiss and hug good night. He lays there for a minute before he starts to close his eyes and go to sleep. After a few times his eyes don't open back up after slowly closing; he's out like a light.

Jay says he is tired from the long day and after the sex last night so am I, so we head to bed too. We strip naked as usual and climb into bed. I expect Jay to want to spoon me like he almost always does, but tonight he lays his head on my chest and curls up next to me on his side.

"I love you," he says.

"I love you too," I tell him.

A few minutes later he is softly snoring. Damn-it sometimes I hate him. I wish I could fall asleep like that. I finally drift off about a half hour later.

I'm awakened by someone crying. I open my eyes and sleepily look around the dimly lit room. I realize I had awakened myself by crying. I lay there for a few minutes trying to get my bearings. I am in my bedroom at my parents. For some reason that seems wrong to me but I'm not sure why. I roll onto my side and notice my pillow is soaked. I must have been crying for some time.

There is a soft knock on the door and my mother asks if she can come in. I tell her yes and she enters my room. She comes to my bed and sits down and looks at me with the most caring eyes I have ever seen.

"How are you doing Zack? Did you get any sleep?" She asks.

"A little bit," I tell her.

Finally the fog from sleep clears a little and everything comes flooding back. Josh is dead. He committed suicide after outing himself trying to protect me. I start crying again and my mother lifts me into her arms and holds me and just lets me cry. She doesn't try to quiet me or tell me it will be alright. She just holds me and lets the emotions run their course. After about a half hour Dad comes in and kneels down next to the bed, he wraps his arms around me and holds me too.

"Zack, you need to get up and get dressed. We have to be at the church for the funeral soon," Mom says.

"Yeah, I know," I tell her.

She gives me one final squeeze and moves to get up. Dad moves slightly so she can but he doesn't let go of me. Mom leaves to finish dressing and dad asks, "Zack do you need help?"

"I don't know if I can do this," I tell him.

"I know. I'm not going to tell you to be strong, not to cry, and to be a man. But I will say this, it will get easier. It will take time but it will get better," he tells me.

"Thanks dad," I tell him.

"You're welcome, son. Now come on, get up and get dressed," he tells me.

He pulls the covers back and gets up, pulling me out of bed and into a standing position without breaking the hug he held me in. I'm standing there being held by my father completely naked, not only on the outside, but emotionally too.

He finally lets me go when he is sure I am standing on my own two feet and goes to my dresser and gets me a clean pair of underwear and tosses them to me. Somehow I catch them and get them on without falling on my face. He then goes to my closet and gets out my suit and a shirt. He lays everything out on my bed and then asks, "Do you need help or do you want me to go?"

"Stay please," I almost beg him.

"Ok. Do you need help getting dressed?" He asks.

The only thing I can do is nod my head. I'm afraid of what might come out if I open my mouth again. I just want to scream at the whole fucking world. `Why did you do this Josh? Why?' Dad removes my shirt from its hanger and helps me get it on. He buttons it up and then helps me with my suit pants. Somehow I manage to stay on my feet as he puts them on me and pulls them up. He tells me I will have to tuck the shirt in myself. I do and manage to get them buttoned and zipped up too. While I do that he goes back to my closet and gets a dress belt. When I am done he threads the belt through the loops in my pants and buckles it. He gets a pair of socks from my dresser and my dress shoes.

He has me sit on the edge of my bed and puts my socks and shoes on me and ties them. I feel like a two year old having to have my father dress me. But it also makes me love him even more knowing he cares enough about me that he would do this for his seventeen year old son. He gets my black tie from its hanger in my closet and has me stand up. He stands behind me and while reaching over my shoulders and watching in my mirror he ties the tie. He then grabs my suit coat off the bed and helps me get it on. He turns me around and looks at me. He straitens my tie and brushes a little lint off of my coat.

He then looks me in the eyes and says, "Zack, I love you and will do anything for you to help you get through this. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I do dad. Thank you," I tell him.

"One last thing and I think you will be ready."

He goes to my dresser one last time and gets out two handkerchiefs. He folds one and puts it into my jacket breast pocket the other he hands me and tells me to put it in my pants pocket and to use it if I need to, not the one in my coat pocket.

We head downstairs and find Mom just finishing a cup of coffee. We are all ready and head out the door. We get into the car and make the short drive to the church in silence except for the occasional sigh or sad moan that escapes my lungs.

The next few hours pass in a blur. Just as the undertaker is getting ready to close Josh's casket he changes into Jay. I scream and sit bolt upright in bed. Before I can even think Jay is holding me trying to calm me down. I am crying hysterically. He wraps his arms around me and holds me.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

After a few minutes I manage to calm down a little and can talk. I tell him about my dream and how at the end Josh changed into him.

"Why do you think Josh changed into me?" he asks, taking the counselor role.

"I don't know," I tell him.

"I think you do. It was your dream. It came from your head. It had to be there before. Maybe something you thought or imagined, but it was there before," he says.

"I honestly don't know, Jay. Maybe I am afraid of losing you. I love you with all my heart. I can't imagine my life without you. You and Shawn are my life. And I know it won't take much and I will feel the same way about the new baby too," I tell him.

"And there it is," he says, "I think what brought your dream on is the fact that we are going to be adopting another child. It is normal to feel anxious during a time like this. And with adding another member to the family it can add to feelings of loss and despair that you are still feeling over Josh. And as for me showing up in your dream I think that came from your feelings about me, your love for me and mine for you. It's natural to think about what would happen if you lose the love of your life. It was just a dream Zack. Come here."

He pulls me into him and lays back down, pulling me down with him. He holds me until I finally stop crying and calm down.

"I'm sorry," I tell him.

"You're sorry for what?" he asks.

"For overreacting to a dream and for waking you up," I tell him.

"Zack, it's fine. You screamed in your sleep I can't blame you for that. And overreacting? Anyone would have overreacted with how real you said the dream was. I would have," he tells me.

Jay continues holding me tightly until I fall back to sleep. When I wake back up in the morning he is still holding me. I look up into his eyes and he looks down at me.

"Feeling better?" he asks.

"Yeah thanks. I'm sorry," I tell him.

"It's ok," he says and gives me a kiss. "I understand and again there is no reason to apologize. You did nothing wrong."

"Did you go back to sleep or did you stay awake and hold me all night?" I ask him.

"I slept and held you all night," he says.

I give him another kiss and get up and go to the bathroom. After emptying my bladder I head back into our bedroom and get dressed. He gets up and heads in to use the bathroom, after going he gets in the shower.

I check on Shawn and he is still asleep. He never woke up for a bottle last night unless Jay got up and gave him one, I think to myself.

I then go downstairs and start making pancakes and eggs and bacon for breakfast. Just as it is about finished Jay comes into the kitchen carrying Shawn. As soon as he sees me he squeals at me.

"Good morning little man," I tell him going to them and giving him a kiss.

He leans towards me and holds out his hands. I take him from Jay and Jay finishes making breakfast and makes Shawn his cereal. I put Shawn down on the floor next to us and help Jay make plates for us and pour us both a glass of orange juice. We take our breakfast into the dining room and Shawn crawls along at my heals. I put my dishes down then pick him up and put him in his highchair. I feed him his breakfast while eating my own.

Just after we finish up with the dishes my phone rings. I answer it and it is my mom.

"Hi, honey," she says.

"Hi, Mom. What's up?" I ask her.

"Well, your father and I were thinking that if we are going to be spending a week there your spare bedrooms could use some furniture. So we are at Sears looking at bedroom sets. We have picked out one that we like and another for the other room that Jay's parents might like. We have already paid for them and have set it up for the store closest to you to deliver it to your house. We just need to know if you guys are going to be home today so it can be delivered," she tells me.

"Mom, you didn't have to do that. We were planning on buying bedroom sets ourselves," I tell her.

"Now what did they do?" Jay asks.

"I'll tell you in a minute," I tell him. Then to mom, "Yes, we will be home all day. What time are they planning on being here?"

"Around three this afternoon, is that ok?" she asks.

"Yeah, three o'clock is fine," I tell her.

"Ok, then that's all I wanted. I'll talk to you soon. We love you guys, Zack, and we'll do anything for you," she says.

"I know mom. Thanks, but you didn't have to do that. And we love you guys too."

"Well, I'll talk to you later. Bye," she says.

"Bye," I say and close my phone.

"Well what did they do now?" Jay asks.

"They went to Sears and picked out, not one but two, bedroom sets; one for the guest bedroom downstairs and one for the extra bedroom upstairs," I tell him.

"Oh my God, when will your parents stop spending money like that on us?" he asks.

"Never, so get used to it," I tell him.

"So from what I gathered it will be delivered at three this afternoon?" he asks.

"Yes."

Jay just shakes his head in frustration and drops the subject. We spend the morning cleaning the house and making sure everything that is in the guestroom and spare bedroom upstairs is cleaned out and they are vacuumed.

Around eleven there is a knock on the door. I answer it a find that our lighted nativity scene for the front yard is here. The delivery guys ask where we want it set up. I call Jay and we go out to decide on a spot for it. We finally decide to put it in the front corner of the yard at a slight angle so people coming down the street will be able to see it.

The guys spend about a half hour setting up the stable and explaining everything to us so next year we will be able to do it ourselves. They pull a small bale of hay from the back of the van and break it open. They fluff it up to remove all the clumps and spread it around inside the inside of the stable. They then put the animals in towards the back and the manger in the middle towards the front. They place the animals in such a way that it will look like they are breathing on baby Jesus to help keep him warm. They put the shepherd at the front corner and then ask were we would like the other pieces put until they are needed for the display.

Jay shows them into the house and has them put everything into my studio for now so they are out of the way. When they are done, they hand a small booklet to me and have me sign the shipping order acknowledging receipt of the delivery. After they leave I look at the booklet. It has instructions for putting the stable together and how to care for all the pieces so they will last a long time. They recommend sealing the figurines once a year before set up with a clear wood sealer. That way any moisture from rain or snow won't be able to soak in and ruin them.

We make a light lunch and after eating I get Shawn down for a nap. At three o'clock on the nose a Sears deliver truck shows up. Jay lets them in and I call my mom to find out which set goes upstairs and which one goes in the downstairs guestroom. After talking to mom for a minute and making sure the delivery guys knew witch set went were I tell Jay I'll be back in a little while.

I need to do jay's Christmas shopping. I decide to stop at Wall-mart first just to have a look around and see what they have that he will like. I make the short drive and head into the store. I look around for about an hour and find a few things he will like. I pick out a nice sweater and a pair of jeans that should look great on him. I also get a few things for his stocking; a bottle of his favorite cologne, a packet of bikini underwear.

As I am heading to the registers to check out I walk by the jewelry counter and notice a watch I know he will love. I look at the price and just about fall over. It's five hundred dollars. It has a bunch of diamonds imbedded in the face and is solid gold. It is very unusual for Wal-mart to carry such watches according the clerk working in the department but they got new things in just for Christmas. She tells me that she has checked and the same watch at the local jewelry store sells for almost six hundred dollars. So it is a steal. I decide to get it for him and pay for all my purchases.

As I am heading out the door I over hear a few employees sitting on benches outside the entrance talking. They are talking about gays in a negative way. I stop for a second like I am looking for something so I can listen for a minute. I get more and more upset the more I hear. I take Jay's presents to the car and return to the store. I go to the customer service desk and ask to talk to the store manager.

After a few minutes a woman walks up to me, introduces herself to me and tells me she is the store manager asking what she can do to help me. I explain to her that I had just over heard a few of her employees talking in a very disrespectable way about gay people.

She asks if I can point them out to her and I tell her I can. We walk outside and I point out the ones in question. She then takes me back inside and shows me to her office. She asks exactly what I had overheard and I tell her everything. She apologizes and asks if there is anything she can do for me.

"No, I just wanted to let you know what was happening. Even though I am gay and was offended I don't want to start any trouble. But they need to know what they are doing is wrong. And if my mother had overheard them I know that you would not be as happy with the outcome as you will be dealing with me. She would have started World War III in your parking lot, that I guarantee you," I tell her.

She asks my name and mailing address so Wal-mart upper management can get a hold of me if needed. I give it to her. She apologizes again. I leave the store and head home. When I get there I tell Jay what had happened and what I did about it. He tells me I should have made a bigger stink, "People like that need to know when they are in the wrong."

I tell him I'm sure the employer will take care of it. They know I was offended and that it is wrong.

"Want to talk about your dream last night some more?" Jay asks me.

"Not especially, no."

"Are you still upset about it?"

"Jay, what do you think? It felt like I was reliving Josh's funeral. Then just before they closed his casket he changed into you. How do you think I feel about it? Of course I am still upset. But, no I don't want to talk about it and end up having another dream like it tonight. I hope to God I never have another one."

"Come here," he says. I go to him and he pulls me into a hug and holds me. "So what's in the bags?"

"Never mind, they are your Christmas presents, and no snooping. If I catch you trying to find them I will take them back and you won't be getting anything from me. Understood?"

"Yes sir. No snooping for me. I want Christmas presents from my husband. I'm sorry about last night and what happened at the store. And if you will talk about it I know I can help you get over it," he says.

"Jay, when are you going to stop trying to counsel me every time I have a rough day? I know you just want to help me but; you need to stop sometimes and let me work out my problems by myself. If you won't let me I will never be able to do it on my own. Please?" I beg him.

"Ok. I am sorry. I will try and back off. But you must know I am here for you. If you feel like you are in over your head or getting overwhelmed please talk to me."

"You know I will talk to you if I think I need to. I love you," I tell him.

"I love you too. And yeah I know you will come to me if you need to. I just wanted to tell you I am here for you."

"I know," I tell him.

We finally break the hug and Jay asks what I would like for dinner. I ask what we have in the freezer and he goes through a long list of different things he can make. I tell him we haven't had steaks in awhile. So he pulls a pack out of the freezer and starts to defrost them. I run upstairs and hide his presents in the attic. Then return to the kitchen to help him with dinner.

"Where's Shawn?" I ask him when I realize he isn't crawling around after us.

"He's in bed. He got really crabby after you left so I put him down for a nap."

"Jay, do you realize we are probably going to be up half the night now? With him taking such a late nap, he'll never go to sleep tonight."

"Yeah I know, but I don't plan on getting much sleep tonight anyways," he says giving me a very seductive look.

"After the last 2 nights I can't believe you are still horny."

"I'm always horny for you," he says.

"Oh my God, you are incorrigible," I tell him.

"Yeah, I am"

Just then I hear Shawn yell from his bedroom, I give Jay a kiss and run upstairs and get him. As soon as I walk into his room he starts laughing and bouncing in his crib.

"What's the matter little man? Did you miss me?" I ask him.

I pick him up and as usual he gives me one of his loving hugs. I kiss him on the top of the head and tell him, "I love you little man."

He looks up at me and says, "Love!"

I give him another kiss and head back down to the kitchen to help Jay with dinner. As soon as we walk into the kitchen Jay says to Shawn, "Are you still crabby little man?"

He outright ignores him again.

"I think someone is mad at one of us!" I tell him. "So what happened while I was gone?"

"I already told you. He got crabby after you left so I put him down for a nap."

"Well do you think he may have wanted some attention? You can't just leave him crawling around the floor so he can amuse himself. You need to play with him and socialize with him some," I explain to Jay.

"I was trying to but he didn't want to have anything to do with me. I think he wanted you and you weren't here," he says with an angry undertone.

"I don't want to start an argument. I was just trying to help you understand him better."

"I know. I'm sorry I got mad. But you have to admit I am getting better with him; doing more things for him."

"Yes you are, but we will be adding another baby to this family in a few months and he will probably get very resentful. We both will need to be able to take care of him and the baby if we are going to get through this," I tell him.

"Yeah, I know. I will try harder," he says.

"So are we having homemade french fries or store bought?"

"Store bought will be fine. I actually picked some up when I went shopping the other day," he says.

"I don't believe it. You actually bought precut french fries?"

"Yes I did. We will probably be having those more and more with a one year old and a newborn baby. We won't have time to be cutting up potatoes to make them. So I figured I need to get used to eating them now. That way when I have to, I'll be used to them already and it won't be as bad," he says.

He gets a bag of them out of the freezer and a couple fresh vegetables out of the refrigerator and washes them. As I get the deep fryer out of the cupboard and plug it in to heat up the oil. He washes the vegetables and gets the steamer out, adds the vegetables and some water to it and places it on the stove to cook them. When the oil is hot I start frying the french fries and Jay cooks our steaks. I make Shawn's dinner and when everything is ready we take our meal into the dining room and eat.

We continue talking about our days and the impending visit of our parents. After finishing up we do the dishes together and put away the leftovers. We then go into the living room and look for something to watch. Jay finds "Bad Santa" on the guide and turns it on.

He watches the movie as I sit at my computer working on some school work that I need to get done over vacation and proof some pictures for an assignment due shortly after we return to school. I also use the time to delete a bunch of pictures that I no longer need and reorganize the ones I want to save. After a couple of hours I am done and sit next to him on the couch.

Shawn has been sitting with him and as soon as I sit down he crawls away from Jay and into my lap. I hold him and slowly lean over and lay my head on Jays lap. Shawn curls up on my chest and in a few minutes is fast asleep. Before I know it, Jay is waking me up and telling me we should head to bed.

I take Shawn upstairs, change him, put him in his pajamas, and put him to bed. Jay and I head to bed, too.

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