Zack and Jay

Zack and Jay

Chapter 5

Author: Lone Wolf

'What is that noise?' I think to myself. 'That beeping is so annoying, what the fuck is it?' Then it hits me it's the alarm. I reach over and turn it off. I roll over to Jay and kiss him awake. "Good morning!" I tell him.

"What's so good about it?" He asks very crabby.

"I guess somebody shouldn't have stayed up half the night making love to me. Come on, get up; we've got a busy day. Grades come out today, and I've got to call Dean Rogers. Then we've to get you moved before we leave to go home. And I need to get my motorcycle over to the storage unit I rented before winter really gets here." I lovingly tell him and give him another kiss.

"Ok, I'm getting up." He replies and rolls over. I reach over and start tickling him to get him out of bed. "Stop it!" He laughs. He finally gets up and heads into the small bathroom. I get up and grab some clothes from the closet and get dressed. When he finishes in the bathroom he asks, "So what happened in here? Who made this mess? There are clothes everywhere."

"Oh, I don't know, I seem to remember some guy doing a striptease show last night and throwing his clothes around. Then I have a vague memory of someone returning from the showers with me, and we threw our stuff on the floor before jumping into bed. Does that ring a bell?" I ask, joking.

"Well, maybe if you're going to throw wild sex parties in 'our' room, you could at least invite me." He jokes back.

"Oh really, do you want me to refresh your memory?" I ask.

"Sure, I'm ready for, what is it, round three." He says smiling at me.

"We've got too much to do today. Maybe, tonight if you're good. Now come on, help me pick this mess up." I say.

He gets dressed and we pick up our clothes, bathrobes and towels from last night. I call Dean Rogers' office around nine and talk to him. He tells me that Jay can move into my room and there will be no extra charge for him. I ask him if he could have a dresser, night stand, desk and chair brought up for him and he says that won't be a problem. He asks about a bed, and I say that won't be necessary. He gets my point, but doesn't ask. I tell Jay what he said and then we head out for the day.

We spend this the last day of class before winter break not really doing anything in classes. The professors spend the time returning assignments they still have and handing out our grades. I don't look at any of them when they're given to me. I simply stick them in a pocket of my backpack. I want to sit down back in our room and look at them with Jay.

Once my last class is released, early, I had back to our room. Jay is there waiting on me. His desk and chair, night stand, and dresser have already been added to the room. "So how'd you do?" He asks me.

"I don't know; I didn't look at any of my grades. I just slipped them into my backpack without looking." I tell him.

"What? Why?" He asks.

"Because; I wanted to be with you when I looked at them." I explain, pulling the slips of paper with my grades out and handing them to him. "You look first, I can't do it. I'm too nervous."

He takes them and looks at each sheet for a few seconds before turning to the next. I stand there trying to read his reaction, but his face never changes. "That bad?" I ask.

"No Zack, I wish my grades were this good. By what I see here, you finished the semester with around a 3.97 GPA." He tells me, smiling; then adds, "Congratulations!"

"I don't believe you, give me them." He hands the papers back to me and I look through them. I received a 4.0 in photography, a 3.9 in painting, 4.0s in three other classes, and a 3.9s in my last two classes. "Oh my God, I don't believe this. After everything that happened this semester, I did this good, I can't believe it. How'd you do?" I ask him.

"3.2, it would have been higher, but those four weeks I missed lowered it some. But I'll make it up next semester. I'm hoping to graduate with at least a 3.5." He tells me.

"Well, we had better go over to your old dorm and get your stuff. That way we can leave bright and early in the morning. My parents told me that we can spend a week there, then fly to your house for two weeks and then spend the last one at my house." I explain to him.

"They're buying me a plan ticket home? I can't accept that, I don't know when I'll be able to repay them." He says.

"Jay, it's not a loan. They know how we feel about each other and want us to spend the holidays with each other and our families. You don't have to pay them back." I explain.

"Now I see where you get it from. You're all so kind hearted. You'll do anything for anybody, wouldn't you?" He asks.

"Just about, come on let's go get your stuff." I tell him. We spend the next few hours moving his things from his old room to ours and manage to get everything put away.

"I heard of a party today, and I was wondering if you wanted to go out and celebrate?" He asks me when we finish putting his things away.

"What kind of party?" I ask him.

"Just a farewell party for the end of the term; it's just off campus at a house that a couple of seniors rent together." He explains.

"Sounds like fun. Let's go get something to eat and then head over and check it out." I tell him, excitedly.

We run down to the commons and get a bite to eat before heading out. We drop my motorcycle off on the way. The party isn't that hard to find, there are cars parked up and down both sides of the road and load music coming from the house. As we walk up to the house I think to myself that something is wrong, a party this size there should be people outside it's not that cold out tonight. Then I notice that the curtains are closed in every window. The only sign that there is a party going on is the load music. We walk up the stairs to the porch and Jay knocks on the door. A guy wearing only a g-string answers the door and lets us in. I can't believe my eyes, there are guys having sex everywhere. I see a guy sitting in a chair giving head to a guy standing next to him, there is another guy giving him head, and there is a guy fucking that guy in the ass. There are two guys fucking on the coach. There are guys giving or receiving head along just about every inch of the walls of the room. When they're done they just move on to another dick that needs servicing. We walk into another room and there are two guys piston fucking another guy on top of a dining room table. As we walk around the house I get my ass grabbed or my crotch squeezed about twenty times.

"Jay, I can't do this, let's go." I tell him in disgust.

"What's wrong?" He asks me.

"I've been groped about twenty times since we walked in the door. I can't do this." We turn to leave, and while walking back to the door a guy grabs my crotch and won't let go.

"Where do you think you're going, beautiful?" He asks me.

"If you don't want your arm broken, I suggest you get your hand off me; NOW!" I scream at him.

"Come on have some fun." He says, squeezing my balls, hard. It hurts so bad I lose it. I grab his arm; pull his hand away from my crotch with my left hand, and then karate punch him in the face. I feel his nose break on impact; blood immediately flows out and down over his mouth. He finally backs away, and let's us pass.

Once outside Jay asks, "What is wrong?"

"Jay, what those guys in there are doing to each other is sick. There is no love, no compassion, and no intimacy in what they're doing. It's just sex for sex's sake. Sex is supposed to be a way for two people to show each other how they feel about each other. First, you find somebody that you're attracted to, become friends and then lovers. Sex comes after you already feel strongly for the person. If you meet somebody, have sex with them, and then try and make a meaningful relationship based on sex, it will never last. You must have a meaningful relationship first, and then add sex." I explain to him.

"So, you think our relationship won't last then?" He asks me.

"Where did that come from?" I ask him dumbfounded.

"You just said you can't base a relationship on sex. Isn't that what we're doing?"

"God no; Jay, we were friends, first. We knew each other for two months before we got together. We knew just about everything there was to know about each other before we made love. I call that having a meaningful relationship. What those guys are doing isn't, they're just in there getting their rocks off, moving on to the next guy, and starting over; there is nothing meaningful in that. It's perverted." I try to explain to him. Then add, "Come on, let's get back to our room; it's getting late."

"We're not done talking about this." He says, but follows me back to my car.

We don't talk on the short drive back to campus. Once inside our room I ask him, "I know you haven't had much experience in this, but is that something you would like to try?"

"What, taking part in an orgy? No, I love you, I just don't understand why you reacted the way you did." He tells me.

"That's why, because I know you love me and I love you. There is no way I'll participate in an orgy with a bunch of guys I've never met. Did you notice not one of the guys there was wearing a condom? There must have been fifty guys in that house all having unprotected sex. Can you imagine how many diseases were being spread there tonight?" I ask him, not waiting for the answer I continue, "Let's say that there were fifty guys in that house tonight, and those fifty guys have had sex with ten different guys. From what I saw going on tonight I don't think that is much of a stretch either. Fifty times ten is five hundred. Now let's say that those ten have had sex with ten also. Five hundred times ten is five thousand. Do you want to take the chance of getting an STD or worse AIDES after having sex with five thousand guys? I've heard it explained that if you have sex with someone you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with, and everyone 'they've' ever had sex with."

"I didn't think of that, I guess I got caught up in the moment. I'm sorry." He says.

"I'm sorry, too. I may have over reacted, but when that guy grabbed me and wouldn't let go, I got scared. I didn't know what he was capable of doing and he was squeezing my balls so hard, it hurt. He should consider himself lucky alls I did was break his nose. I really thought about breaking his arm."

We spend the next few hours talking about the day and what happened at the party. We finally fall asleep sometime around two and I don't sleep very well. I keep seeing the guy from the party in my dreams. His nose keeps exploding blood down his face; I wake around eight feeling like shit. I leave Jay sleeping in bed and go take a shower.

When I get back to our room Jay is up and dressed. "Didn't sleep well last night, did you?" He asks.

"No, I guess I feel guilty about that guy last night." I try to explain.

"Well, you did warn him, first. What more could you have done?" He asks trying to set my mind at ease.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess."

We go down to the commons and get something to eat before heading out for the trip to my house. We stop along the way and get a bite to eat at a small restaurant just off the highway. When we finally get to my house, my parents meet us at the door.

"So how did you two do?" Mom asks.

"I did really well; better than I thought I did." I say digging in my backpack for my grades, and hand them to her. She takes the slips and looks at each one; her smile growing as she flips from one to the next.

"Zack, these are great. You should be very proud of yourself after all you went through this fall." She says to me, then turns to Jay and says, "Well; how about you?"

"Mom; stop it! You're not giving him the third degree." I say.

"It's alright Zack; I know she's only asking because she cares about me. Jenny, I got a 3.0 GPA, not bad after missing four weeks of school."

"No, that's not bad. I'm proud of both of you. Come on let's go out and celebrate." She says.

We run our stuff up to my room and head out with my parents to dinner. We eat at a nice restaurant not far from the house and have a nice time with my parents.

We spend the week with them; they both took the whole week off from work. We have an early Christmas with my parents before flying to Jay's house for two weeks.

When we land at the airport in Boulder, Colorado, we take a cab to his house. His parents and older brother, Shawn and his very pregnant wife Sue, are all there when we get there. Introductions are made and we sit down for dinner and talk. I'm asked about a million questions while eating and I tell them everything about my past, Josh, Karate, everything.

Just before returning home Sue goes into labor and delivers a beautiful baby boy. He weighs in at seven pounds six ounces and is nineteen and a half inches long. Jay's mom says he looks just like Shawn and Jay when they were born. While at the hospital the day after the delivery, Shawn asks me, "Do you want to hold your nephew?"

"Nephew?" I ask him, confused.

"Yes, I know how you and Jay feel about each other. You're a part of this family, so that makes you his uncle."

With tears running down my face, I manage to say, "Thank you, yes I would love to hold him." He hands Shawn Jr. to me and I instantly fall in love with him. I can now see how a parent's love for a child is unconditional; I can't think of a single thing that this innocent helpless baby could do to change how I feel about him, even if I am just his 'uncle'.

We return to my parents house the next day, they pick us up at the airport, and take us back to our house. We spend the last week of winter break with them; before returning to school for the spring semester as roommates and much more importantly lovers; boyfriends.

The first two months of the spring semester go smoothly. The self-defense class Gary and I are teaching is an instant hit. We actually have a waiting list to accommodate everyone that wants to take it. The gay/straight alliance is up and running and the attacks on gay guys have stopped. Nobody is sure why, maybe it's all the classes Gary and I have taught, or maybe the gay/straight alliance getting the word out, and people are becoming more tolerant of gays. Who knows, but it's nice not to have to keep looking over your shoulder wondering when the next attack will occur.

Then towards the end of March, just before spring break, while in our room by myself, the room phone rings. I answer it and it's Bill; Jay's dad and all hell breaks loose.

"Zack, do you know where Jay is? I've been calling his cell all day, and he's not answering it." I can hear the panic in his voice.

"He should be back from his last class soon. What's wrong Bill?" I ask him, concerned.

"Shawn and Sue were killed in a car accident this morning. I've been trying to get in touch with him all day to let him know." He explains.

"Oh, my God; what happened?" I ask in horror.

"They had just dropped the baby off because their day care was closed, and were heading out to work, it had snowed heavily last night and the roads were slippery. I car skidded through a stop sign in front of them. Shawn swerved to miss it but lost control on the icy road. The car slid into a deep ditch and rolled numerous times. They were both pronounced dead at the scene." He explained through tears.

"I'll find him and let him know. We'll be there as soon as we can get there. Bill, I'm sorry." I tell him.

"Thank you, Zack, I'll let you go. Bye" He says.

"Bye." I sang and hang up the phone.

I grab my cell and hit speed dial for Jay's cell. It rings four times then goes to voice mail. I leave him a message to call me as soon as he gets the message. Hang up and call Mom at work.

"Hello, Jenny Miller's office, how can I help you?" Her secretary says into the phone.

"Hi, Jane, it's Zack, can she talk?" I ask her.

"I'll let her know you're on the phone, hang on." She replies.

A few seconds later Mom's voice comes on the line, "Zack, what's wrong? You never call me at work."

"Mom," I say crying, "Shawn and Sue Ferguson were killed in a car accident this morning. Jay and I have to get to Colorado." I explain to her.

"Oh, my God, how is he?" She asks.

"He doesn't know yet, I just got off the phone with his father. There must be something wrong with his cell phone, he's not answering it."

"Ok, go find him. I'll call your father and we'll get everything ready for you to leave from here. Don't worry about anything. Just find him and tell him and then get home. Zack, I love you and Jay. Tell him how sorry we are for him and his family." She says.

"Thanks Mom, we love you, too. I'll see you soon," I reply, close my phone and head down the stairs to go looking for Jay. I walk out to the parking lot and as I'm about to get into my car I see him pulling in. He parks on the other side of the lot and I head towards him.

He gets out of his car and walks towards me smiling, as soon as he is close enough to actually see my expression his changes instantly, "What wrong?" He asks.

"Jay, what's wrong with your phone? You're father called the room phone saying he has been trying to get in touch with you all day." I say to him.

He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and opens it, "Crap the battery is dead. I must have forgotten to charge it. Did he say what he wanted?"

"Jay, I'm sorry, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. Shawn and Sue died this morning in a car accident."

"No!"

"Jay, I'm sorry!" I tell him again.

"No!" He repeats, then looses control, he weeps openly. I hug him and hold him while the emotions flood through him. "How?" He manages to say through his tears.

"From what your dad said, it snowed really heavily there last night, the roads were slippery and someone skidded through a stop sign in front of them. Shawn swerved to avoid hitting them, but lost control of the car, slid into a ditch and it rolled several times. They were pronounced dead at the scene." I explain to him. Then add, "I've already called my mom, she is making plans for us to fly out from there in the morning, so we have to leave for my house soon. Jay, I am so sorry."

I keep my arm around him as we walk back to the dorm and up to our room. I pack a large bag for the both of us, and tell him I'll be right back.

I run down the hall to Dan's room, the junior RA, and tell him what's going on and that Jay and I are leaving a day early. He says not to worry about anything and he'll call Dean Rogers and let him know. I quickly thank him and run back to our room. Jay is on my cell phone talking to his parents.

He continues talking as we head back down to my car and head off campus. I easily make it through town and get on the interstate headed west. Once on the open road I set the cruise control at eighty and we make the six hour trip in just over four and half.

"Jay, we're so sorry." Both of my parents tell him as we enter the house. They both pull him into long hugs; Mom gives him a kiss on the check. Jay is physically and emotionally exhausted so we grab a quick dinner there and head upstairs to bed. He just lies on my bed, and cries himself to sleep. I lie next to him, and in his sleep he turns toward me and I hold him all night, not sleeping. I just want to be there for him, when he's ready to talk.

In the morning my parents take us to the airport and see us off. They give me a card to give to Jays parents. Jay hasn't said one word to anyone since he finished talking to his parents yesterday. I'm really getting worried. He still doesn't talk on the flight home, or when we land and get a taxi to take us to his parent's house.

His parents are on the phone making funeral arrangements when we get there. I take our bag up to Jay's old bedroom; leaving him with his parents. I hear Shawn Jr. crying so I go and find him; he is in what used to be his father's bedroom. I pick him up and he immediately stops crying and coos up at me. I take him down stairs with me so he can be with what's left of his family. I try to get Jay to hold him, but he won't; he just ignores him.

"Jay, talk to me, please." I say to him. No response. "Jay, I can help, if you'll let me."

"You think you know what I'm going through?" He finally says.

"Yeah, I think I do. I bet you feel the same way I did when Josh died." I tell him.

"He wasn't your brother, you have no idea how I feel." He yells at me.

"No, he wasn't my brother. But he might as well have been; we spent just about every waking minute together for twelve or thirteen years. No, he wasn't my brother, he was more, he was my lover. Just like you; and I want to help you through this." I reply to him, handing him his nephew.

He looks down at Shawn Jr. in his arms and starts to cry, again. I go to him and hold him as he holds Shawn. He looks into my eyes and says quietly, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shut you out. I know that you only wanted to help. I am sorry." He leans in and gives me a kiss.

The double funeral is held on Sunday, after normal church services. It is so strange to me being in a Catholic Church, with all the kneeling, standing, and communion. That is one concept I don't think I'll ever understand; how can a Church support a ritual where its congregation 'eats and drinks' the body and blood of Christ?

After their internment at the cemetery, their Church has prepared a meal for the family in the Church's hall. We all eat and sit around everyone remembering Shawn and Sue in their own way. After the meal a guy comes up to Jay and his parents and introduces himself saying, "Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson, I'm John Richards, I'm a lawyer. I prepared Shawn and Sue's will and we need to set up a time for the reading. There are a few things that need to be taken care of."

They make arrangements to have the reading at Jay's parent's house the next day. He has a list of people that have to be there and tells them, "You two of course, Jason; Shawn's brother, and there is another, a Zack Miller."

As I'm standing next to Jay during this I ask him, "Why do I have to be there. I'm Jay's friend; I hardly knew Shawn and Sue?"

"You're named in the will, and that is all I can say at this time. You will need to be at the reading tomorrow." He replies to me.

I can't imagine why I have to be there, but the next day it all becomes so clear. During the reading, we find out everything that they own will be sold, except for the few things that have been given to the named family members. The money will be set aside for the raising of Shawn Jr. When that is taken care of Mr. Richards reads a hand written letter; written and signed by Shawn and Sue stating that because of Bill and Sarah's advanced age; they are in their late sixties, after starting their family late in their lives. That custody of Shawn Jr. will go to Jay and me.

"Wait a minute," I say confused, "are you saying that Jay and I, together, will have to raise Shawn Jr.?"

"Yes, that is what this says in a nut shell." He replies. "This letter was added to their will in early February about a month after Shawn was born." He explains.

I look at Jay with a questioning look on my face, trying to will him to help me come to terms with what is happening. I excuse myself for a minute and head out on their enclosed front porch to call my parents.

Mom answers the phone, "Zack, how is everything going?" She asks.

"Mom, they just had the reading of the will. Shawn and Sue want Jay and me to raise Shawn Jr. I'm only eighteen; I'm not ready for this." I tell her, through tears.

"Zack, I know how you feel about Jay, and I also know that you fell in love with that baby when you held him over Christmas. You can't turn your back on him, I know you. You will do the right thing. If I may ask; why you guys, why not his parents?" She asks.

I explain to her that Jay's parents were in their early forties when Shawn was born, they had both been married before. Bill's first wife had died of cancer, and Sarah's first husband was a drunk and had beaten her terribly. They had met in a group counseling class and had fallen in love and married after Sarah's divorce had been finalized and she had gotten an annulment from the Church; that is the only way a Catholic can remarry in the eyes of the Church. When Shawn was four Sarah thought she was going through 'the change' when her doctor discovered she was pregnant with Jay. Now with them pushing seventy, Shawn and Sue want someone that has the energy to keep up with and will be able to properly care for Shawn Jr. His parents have already raised two sons and Shawn and Sue feel they shouldn't be burdened by their grandson. Sue's parents were killed in a house fire when she was eight; she had been raised by her grandparents, both now in their eighties.

"Mom, I don't know if I can do this." I tell her.

"Zack, don't give them an answer right now. I'm sure nobody is expecting you to say yes right this minute. But, do yourself a favor and talk with Jay about it. I can't tell you what to do. You have to talk to him and both of you must agree. This isn't something you can just jump into; you have to think it through. And remember, whatever you decide your father and I will stand behind you, no matter what." She tells me.

"Thanks Mom, I feel a little better. I'd better let you go. I love you." I tell her.

"I love you, too. Let me know what you guys decide. Bye."

"Bye." I say and return to the meeting taking place in the dining room. I ask Mr. Richards, "Is this something that has to be decided now, or can Jay and I talk about it and let you know?"

"No, I don't need an answer right this minute, but there is a lot of paper work that has to be done, and there is not much time before you two need to be back to school." He explains.

"Zack, this is something I want to do for my brother and Sue. I haven't been here much over the last three years because of school. They helped a lot with that and if this is the only way I can repay them; then I want to do it." Jay explains to me.

"Can we talk in private?" I ask him.

"Come on, let's go into the kitchen." He says and I follow him in and close the door.

"I'm four months from my nineteenth birthday, and I'm not sure I'm ready for this kind of thing. God, I've always wondered what it would be like to be a father, someday. But then I realized I was gay and thought that I would never have the chance, now this. I never thought I would be faced with this at eighteen. I just don't know if I'm ready." I explain to him.

"I've heard people say that if everybody waited until they thought they were ready to have kids, then nobody would ever have any. It's just something that has to be done. I know we can do this." He says.

"Well, can you change a diaper? I can't. Do you know how to make a bottle and feed him? I don't. Do you know what to feed him and how much, how often? I don't. How are we going to do this?" I ask him.

"We have two weeks before we have to back at school, Mom and Dad can teach us while we are here. Your parents can help us when we get there, and they're only a few hours away if we get into trouble." He tells me.

"What about when we get back to school? We can't live in a dorm room with a three month old baby? Where are we going to live? How are we going to buy everything he needs? Crap we don't even know what he needs."

"Right now, the only thing he needs is to have a clean diaper, a bottle every once in a while, and love; that we can give him." He says.

"What about when he gets older, and he starts school? How is he going to explain to the other kids why he has two fathers and no mother? Will we raise him as our son, or your nephew?" I ask him.

"That is something that we'll have to talk about later, not right now. He just needs to be with someone that loves him, and I won't stand back and let him become a ward of the state. I can't do that to Shawn and Sue. I'm doing this, if you can't come to terms with that, then I don't know what to tell you." He says and walks away.

I stand there thinking for a few minutes, then return to the dining room, and say to everyone, "Jay and I are going to have to take a crash course in baby care. Where do I sign?"

"You're sure?" Jay asks me.

"Yes." I respond to the room, not daring to look at him. We sign the necessary paperwork and Mr. Richards tells us he'll have the rest of the paperwork drawn up and delivered to the house in the next few days. I call my parents and let them know what we decided. Mom says she'll call Dean Rogers to see what arrangements need to made at school for our return.

Jay and I spend the rest of the week, learning what it takes to take care of a three month old baby: diaper changes, feedings, bathing, putting on and taking off clothes, everything. When the rest of the paperwork arrives we learn that Shawn and Sue's house and the furnishings have been appraised and that after the sale, we should have almost two hundred thousand dollars to take care of Shawn Jr.

We leave on Thursday, and after explaining to the airlines why we are traveling with a baby on two return tickets, they bump us up to first class and let Shawn fly for free. When we land in Pennsylvania, my mom is there waiting for us. We get our expanded luggage from baggage claim and load everything into her trunk and spend about twenty minutes trying to figure out how to install the infant car seat in her car. On the way back to the house she explains that she has talked to Dean Rogers and they have apartments on campus for married students with families. They only available one is a three bedroom that we can rent. With our scholarships, the rent will be only two hundred a month, while we are there. Mom tells us that she and Dad have already paid for the rest of the semester and that they had gone up earlier in the week and cleaned out our room and moved everything into the apartment, and bought us some furniture for it, too. She also tells us the school has a daycare for children of students and they told the school that we'll be registering Shawn when we get there.

"Jenny, that is too much. As soon as the estate is finalized and we have access to the money, we're going to pay you back." Jay says to her.

"You don't have to do that. We know what you two are in for, and we'll do anything we can to help. It's not like we can't afford it." She tells him. We both thank her.

We leave early on Friday after thanking Mom and Dad about a thousand times for everything. We want to get back to school and get settled before classes start on Monday. The normal six hour trip takes about seven and a half with a baby; having to stop to feed and change him. When we get back to school we find our apartment and take Shawn's things in and then the three of us head over to the daycare center and register him. They tell us that the daycare is free to children of students, but under the circumstances there will be no charge for Shawn, as we are his legal guardians.

We spend the rest of the weekend getting everything settled; arranging the new furniture my parents had bought us, setting up the crib and changing table, and getting everything put away. We find that my parents had also done some grocery shopping, and bought two giant packs of diapers and a case of baby formula. Finally after what seems like forever, Jay and I can sit down and relax. We are sitting in our new living room listening to music playing from the speakers of my computer; Shawn is sleeping in his room. Jay is leaning back against the arm of the over stuffed coach and I'm lying between his legs with my head on his chest. We hear Shawn start to cry and I get up and go get him.

As soon as I reenter the living room from his bedroom he stops crying. I turn around to take him back to bed, but he starts crying again, so I bring him into the living room with us. I stand in the middle of the room holding him and rocking him. Jay gets up and comes to us, he puts his arms around my waist and holds us. Just then, Gershwin's 'Embraceable You', sung by Frank Sinatra comes on and we begin to slow dance and hold each other as tight as we can with a baby between us. I know right then that I made the right decision. I wouldn't give this up for the world.

Comments always welcome to kk.lonewolf.37@gmail.com